


some things you want to keep to yourself

by ghostlyghouls



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M, comphet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-31
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-07-05 03:50:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15855642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostlyghouls/pseuds/ghostlyghouls
Summary: Tears threatening to spill from his eyes and down his face, Fuyuhiko stares blankly at his reflection in the mirror. Hands going white and red from the strong grip he has on the edge of the sink, the weight of him leaning his upper body over the sink closer to the mirror is now making his arms ache a little. Fuyuhiko had just silently stared at himself in the mirror for roughly five minutes now, thinking. Just thinking.





	some things you want to keep to yourself

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is my first danganronpa fic so its probs rlly ooc n also i wrote this at 5am on a full day of no sleep so its probably ??? ehhhh plus i havent written anything in abt a whole year but i hope u enjoy it !

Tears threatening to spill from his eyes and down his face, Fuyuhiko stares blankly at his reflection in the mirror. Hands going white and red from the strong grip he has on the edge of the sink, the weight of him leaning his upper body over the sink closer to the mirror is now making his arms ache a little. Fuyuhiko had just silently stared at himself in the mirror for roughly five minutes now, thinking. Just thinking.

Opening his mouth to give himself a small talk but the words didn’t come out. Just silence. His throat dry and tears prickling at his eyes, but not yet falling, as he tries his best to not cry because ‘it’s not what a man would do’ and he _had_ to be a man. A _real_ man. One who doesn’t cry, a man who’s strong, one who doesn’t talk about his _feelings_.

Feelings.

Those dumb things he hated so much. What’s the use of those silly things anyway? They just hurt or confuse you in the end, better to not feel them so much. That’s what men should feel. Or rather, not feel. Men don’t need precious little trinkets that make you remember fun times with your friends and family, because men are strong and should _not_ be crying in the bathroom right now.

Realising his tears actually dared to spill Fuyuhiko immediately moved his arm from the edge of the sink he had been leaning it on for ten minutes now to rub at his eyes. Eyes now stinging a little he slowly drops his hand back to the edge of the sink, pushing his puffy red eyed face closer to the mirror.

He let out a long sigh and lowered his head, now staring at the sinks plug hole.

“Why…” he starts, but its hoarse. Swallowing hard he starts again. “Why can’t I just be a man…? I… Why did I have to-“

Tears sliding down his face again, he angrily rubs at his face again and lets out a frustrated sigh. Crying wasn’t manly. But sometimes it had to be done.

Now slowly sliding down to crouch down on the cold hard tiled flooring of his small bathroom in his cottage. Letting out shaky breaths trying to calm himself down, his fingers gliding along the indents of the tiles which collected a fair amount of dust in the few weeks he still put off cleaning the floor. Who has time for cleaning when you’re having panic attacks almost every day?

Leaning back and running his hands down his face, staring at the dull light, Fuyuhiko wishes he was on setting up the table for dinner duty today. Ever since coming out of the neo world programme and working out how to get their friends out too, they all decided to continue living on Jabberwok Island. They had all given everyone small daily activities to do, like: washing the clothes; washing the dishes; setting up the table for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Just daily things to get everyone in the hang of living normal lives again.

God, he wishes he got making the table duty today, at least it’d currently give him something else to think about, rather than isolating himself in his bathroom thinking about how he’s gay and totally head over hills in love with his friend Hajime.

This dumb crush started back in the Neo World Programme in that dumb hospital he, Hajime, and Mikan were in charge of looking after. He sorted out his act, started being himself, and started to become friendly with everyone. Every morning, same routine. Him and Hajime wake up and go to the hospital together and stay there all day helping Mikan as much as they could, not being as experienced as her in treatment. From the morning walks all the way to the third island to spending the whole day in a small building together, Hajime was the person he immediately got most friendly with.

Slowly but surely, Fuyuhiko began to get a crush. On a boy, no less. Sure he stressed out about this in the Neo World Programme at first, but with the stress of murders and then starving and more murders, he had more on his mind then. Now, however, free of the fear of his friends dying, he has time to dwell on the fact that he’s gay and likes his friend.

In his opinion, it’s not his fault. It’s Hajime’s. With his stupid perfect smile, the way he laughed, the look he always shared with Fuyuhiko like ‘can you believe this guy?’ when someone said something stupid. The look of peace on his face when he falls asleep, his humour, the way he always sat a little too close to Fuyuhiko and grinned at him. He was amazing.

However, Hajime’s a boy, not a girl, and Fuyuhiko’s a boy. Therefore, he should like girls. That’s how it goes, right? Boys like girls, and girls liked boys. He shouldn’t be feeling butterflies in his stomach whenever Hajime’s hand brushed against his, he _definitely_ shouldn’t daydream about Hajime, definitely not about him leaning towards him, smiling, eyes closed and cupping his face. His lips so close to his own.

“Ugh!” Fuyuhiko suddenly lets out a frustrated sigh, standing up and forgetting just how close the sink was and bumping his head. “Ow! Damn…”

Rubbing his head and deciding that maybe he should just go to the dining place and offer to help and if they refuse he’ll just help anyway. Better than letting him indulge himself.

Turning the tap on and cupping his hands to get the water and splash his face with it to refresh himself and hopefully remove at least most of the redness from under his eyes from when he had been crying. Quickly drying his face and giving himself a once-over in the mirror, puffy red eyes had faded and he looked mostly normal. Putting on his shoes, he leaves the almost suffocating cottage that he spent most his time wishing he’d wake up and be over boys and start liking girls.

The sun hitting his eyes as soon as he steps out and hurting his eyes, he decided to keep his head slightly down in hopes of blocking some of it out and maybe his eyes won’t be as noticeable.

Walking past the pool, he sees Sonia, Gundham, Mahiru, Komaeda, and Hiyoko hanging out in and on the side of the pool. Gundham’s hamsters have their own little pool floaty. He says his greetings and waves, needing a better distraction, continues walking.

What feels like an eternity but was only a two minutes’ walk at most, he finally arrives at the dining place. Walking in and seeing Peko there was a huge relief for him, immediately relaxing and letting out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding. Peko, his best friend, he’s grown up his whole life with her. Losing her in the programme was painful for him, it was like losing his sister. But she’s alive and he couldn’t be happier with her by his side. Not as a ‘tool’ as both she and his family made her, but as a friend. A best friend.

It took a while, but he and Peko are finally on equal footing. No more ‘young master’, no more holding in her emotions, no more duties. Just her. Her actual self, real emotions, smiles, the real Peko.

He smiles at her setting the plates down on the tables that they joined together to make one big one to all eat at together. She hasn’t noticed him yet, standing by the door. Suddenly a thought flashes in his mind.

_Peko would be a great girlfriend. Even a wonderful wife._

Of course she would, she’s amazing. So talented, caring, funny, if a little stern at times but even then she’s great. Oh. Fuyuhiko knows how great Peko is, he’s grown up with her, always together, smiling and laughing. So why is it that he doesn’t _like_ her. She really would make an amazing girlfriend, he knows for sure, but he can’t imagine being her boyfriend but he can’t quiet pin down why the thought of being in a relationship with Peko makes his stomach feel like a bottomless pit and his heart ache.

Smothering the thought, he casually walks up to her acting like he wasn’t just about to frantically ask himself a bunch of questions he really doesn’t want to think about right now.

“Hey.” He says nonchalantly, or well, trying to sound nonchalant.

Setting down a plate and turning to face Fuyuhiko, some of her grey hair poking out of her twin plaits. Piercing red eyes look at him worryingly, probably immediately knowing he wasn’t feeling well.

“Hello, Fuyuhiko. Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes.” She says it with a small, knowing smile on her face. Fuyuhiko’s really glad she can smile more easily now, but kind of annoyed she can still read him like a book.

Averting his eyes to the plate she just set down, he huffs.

“Yeah, but I didn’t know who was on duty today and didn’t want some dumbass givin’ everyone dirty knifes and stuff again.” He partly lies, while that wasn’t the reason he came, he also doesn’t want that happening again.

“Ah, yeah we don’t want that again,” she says as letting out a small laugh it could almost be mistaken as a huff of breath. “Kazuichi isn’t on duty today though, so everything should be fine. Don’t worry.”

Fuyuhiko knows Peko is silently telling him to go relax before dinner, but he won’t. He’ll spend it all thinking about why he can’t think about Peko or another girl like he thinks about Hajime and probably almost miss dinner until someone comes and knocks on his door to get him. Which has been happening recently, he’ll be about five minutes late to either breakfast, lunch, or dinner and either Peko, Hajime, or Mikan will probably get him.

“Eh, looks like you could use a little help,” he says while taking two of the plates from the big stack in her other hand and placing them on the table.

She hums what sounds like a sound of protest but then sighs and they silently set up the table together.

After a few seconds of silence, Peko goes to open her mouth and speak but Mikan walks in from the kitchen with two drinks and places them on the table. Noticing Fuyuhiko is here too now, she jumps a little and smiles.

“H-hello Fuyuhiko, um, dinner isn’t ready until six!”

“Ah. Yeah, I just came to say hi to Peko and decided to stay and help. Uh, you need any help with the rest of the drinks?”

“Oh! Thank you for offering but it’s okay! You don’t have to…” She looks kind of panicked at the thought of someone helping her but also happy. Everyone is still adjusting obviously, he just needs to remind himself some people take a bit more time than others.

“Hey, it’s cool, I wanna help if that’s okay?” He asked, even though he was already walking into the kitchen with Mikan, who was smiling widely with a little skip to her step, to get the drinks. He did want to help but also get away from Peko because he could tell she was going to ask and he couldn’t deal with that right now.

Stepping into the kitchen with Mikan who’s happily humming a little, Fuyuhiko thinks to himself. Wow, Mikan’s cute? She nice? She, too, could be a nice girlfriend, but…

Again with the ‘buts’. God why can’t he like girls like other guys do. It’s kind of weird honestly, I mean, what kind of guy doesn’t like girls? Weird ones. Wait… That makes _him_ weird. Wait, but he does like girls, I mean, he thinks girls are cute? That’s enough right?

While lost in thought Fuyuhiko isn’t paying attention and walks right into Teruteru who’s, obviously, cooking dinner.

“Ah, sorry! Damn…” 

As he’s about to walk over to the counter where the drinks are, completely ignoring Teruteru’s sexual comment he just made about him, he hears Hajime stifle a laugh but failing as he snorted quite loudly into his hand.

Hajime. Damn. Of course he’d be on duty today of all days.

Glaring over at him as he picks up two glasses while responding to Mikan’s question of if he’s okay with a simple ‘yeah don’t worry’, even though he’s not, he scrunches up his face and Hajime holds up his hands in a ‘I surrender’ kind of way but he’s still grinning like a fool.

He quickly leaves the kitchen with a slightly panicked Mikan in tow, appreciating the cool air of the dining room. Peko looks up from where she was setting down the cutlery and smiles at Mikan and gives Fuyuhiko a questioning look.

Geez she’s still onto him?

Him and Mikan set down the drinks and then he realises he has to go back into the stuffy kitchen and see Hajime again and feel weirdly happy and then disgusting and deal with Teruteru making gross comments about him, Mikan, and Hajime. Great. He’d rather be here in awkward silence with Peko because he refuses to talk about feelings.

At least he can blame the heat in the kitchen for him feeling odd or blushing.

He and Mikan finish setting all the drinks on the table, but each time going into the kitchen was hell and then coming out to the dining room to have awkward silence and knowing looks from Peko was hell too. Why can’t a guy catch a break?

Hajime comes out the kitchen holding a steaming pot of curry and set it on the table in the middle. He was wearing some oven gloves, safety first, but Fuyuhiko couldn’t help but think he looked adorable.

Mikan left to tell the others dinner was pretty much ready and should come over. Peko said she would get the other pot, which left him alone with Hajime.

Great.

He feels sick, stomach twisting and turning, disobeying his brain. Though he thinks his brain is disobeying himself too. It’s like he’s not himself. That’s it! He’s _not_ himself. Of course! That simple, the Neo World Programme’s coding or whatever probably messed his like, feeling cord or whatever up with someone else’s. Yeah, he actually likes girls, the dumb programme messed him up.

“-hiko? You alright?”

Fuyuhikos snapped out of this thoughts to Hajime very close to him and waving his hand in front of his face. He’s too close.

“H-huh!? What? Geez Hajime, ever heard of personal space?” He says as he pushes him away.

“Sorry, but you okay dude? You’ve been spacing out a lot recently, and isolating yourself… I’m worried.”

His hearts racing and pounding and leaping and won’t stop beating and pumping and he wishes it would stop right now. Just stop. Stop beating at all, it’d be for the best anyway.

Hajime’s eyes widen suddenly and he looks suspicious at him. Crap. He knows, he knows I’m weird and I like him.

“Fuyuhiko… I know this is a hard topic for all of us but, ah… you’re not…”

Realising what Hajime was actually thinking, Fuyuhiko snaps up and replies quickly.

“No! I’m not reverting back into a damn despair!” He almost yells.

“Okay okay, I’m just asking because Makoto and those Future Foundation guys told us to keep an eye out for odd behaviours in case.”

“Yeah. Sorry for yellin’ just now”

Hajime puts a hand on his shoulder and says it’s cool but honestly Fuyuhiko’s not really paying attention because his hand is on his shoulder.

“Uh… hey, Hajime, uh…” Fuyuhiko brushes Hajime’s hand off his shoulder and crack his neck awkwardly. “You wanna like, hang out? Later I mean, cus’ I’ve kinda been avoiding people recently like you said and um, I don’t know like, just me and you? Like, ah, you know like whatever Kazuichi calls it.”

Full well knowing he was a stutter awkward mess, he inwardly cringes at himself and braces himself for rejection, even though it’s Hajime we’re talking about, his best friend. Well, after Peko that is. Also it’s not like he asked him out or anything weird like that.

Hajime’s smiling and trying to hold back a laugh.

“You mean ‘bro time’?”

“Huh?”

“What Kazuichi calls it, but yeah of course Fuyuhiko! Just us.” He smiles that heart-warming smile that makes Fuyuhiko melt. “Where’d  you wanna go? Or do you wanna just chill in my room?”

How can he ask that so effortlessly? Chill in his room? No way.

Peko started to walk in with the other pot and Teruteru followed after and the others started pilling in. Fuyuhiko didn’t reply and just sat down and started piling food onto his plate and right into his mouth.

He was sitting next to Hajime though, but also Peko, but she didn’t bring anything up and just enjoyed dinner and small talk. He looked everywhere but Hajime, or any other boy here, the whole evening. Trying to find one girl he’d think was cute in a romantic way and one girl he could think about dating without the ‘buts’.

Hell, he even thought about Hiyoko. She looked cute he guessed, they was roughly the same height. However she’s rude but he was too so maybe they could date? Geez his own reasoning’s are so dumb and don’t make sense. How’s he ever going to get a girlfriend if he can’t think of them romantically? Sure he can think of great things to say when he’s thinking about them as friends, but when he thinks about them as girlfriends his mind goes blank.

It’s like girls are great! Theoretically.

Dinner was finally over and he, and the people who set up helped clean up too. Peko and Mikan left after clearing the table and Fuyuhiko and Hajime left after sweeping the floors because some people can’t seem to keep their food on their plates. Teruteru’s left on washing dishes as always.

As he’s walking out the cold night’s air hits him right in the face and he feels calm. Then he feels a hand on his shoulder and Hajime’s voice.

“Hey? You still wanna hang?”

He’s smiling and once again, Fuyuhiko melts.

“Yeah.” His voice croaks. “Uh, can we just hang at your’s?”

“Sure dude,” he smiles and flings his arm around Fuyuhiko’s shoulder and his face heats up.

They make their way to Hajime’s cottage and start some idle chit chat about nothing really important, but they’re both smiling and laughing. Hajime’s arm is still slung over Fuyuhiko’s shoulder, but he’s so wrapped up in the conversation what he’s not panicking over it. It feels almost natural.

They reach his cottage and Hajime opens the door and let’s Fuyuhiko in and follows, then proceeding to fall on his bed and get comfortable. Meanwhile, Fuyuhiko starts to panic a little again, the realisation of being in his crushes room suddenly hits. He’s in his crushes room. His crush is also a boy, which could be great if only he was a girl, but he’s not!

Feeling like he might be sick, he excuses himself to go to the bathroom and pretend to pee.

“Alright Fuyuhiko. Get your act together, and fast.” He mumbles quietly to himself, sitting on the toilet seat’s lid with his head in his hands. He’s sweating a little, and breaths coming fast but he’s okay! He’ll get over it and walk out there right now and just chill with his friend. His friend, not his crush, because boys don’t get crushes on other boys.

His eyes start to prickle and his cheeks feel damp before he realises he’s crying yet again. Just like this morning.

“Damn!” He stands up quick to go to the sink and drown his face in water. While he’s splashing his face for the millionth time there’s a knock of the door.

“Fuyuhiko… Are you okay?”

It’s Hajime. Of course. He was being too loud and suspicious, damn!

“Uh, yeah hold on.” Fuyuhiko dries his face and opens the door and steps out and walks right past Hajime, patting him on his back and sitting on his bed before sinking to sit on the floor because he probably shouldn’t sit on Hajime’s bed. That’s too much, too weird. He didn’t want to taint Hajime’s bed.

“Uh...” Hajime starts to say something but decides against it and honesty Fuyuhiko’s never been gladder about that in his life.

“You still got that game you found in the lobby?” Fuyuhiko quickly adds, before Hajime can even think about trying to talk about what’s bothering him.

“I always beat you, you sure you wanna play?” Hajime teases as he gets up to pull out a board game from a shelf. Snakes and ladders.

“Shut up, I win sometimes!”

Hajime snorts and Fuyuhiko shoves him playfully.

Both of them unconsciously move closer, grinning with rosy cheeks, and their hands brush, Fuyuhiko retreats like he’s been burned, Hajime blushes more and apologises but otherwise carries on the movement of setting up the board game, but now looking hurt.

“Ah. Sorry” Fuyuhiko said quietly and moved closer again but careful not to get too close.

Hajime eyed him, curious and worried, but continued putting the pieces on the board.

“The red counter, right?” He says, handing Fuyuhiko the red counter from the player pieces of the game, his hand touching his.

“…Yeah.”

They play the game but without their usual joking and chatting and taunting, instead they’re just silent. Time passed slowly and they finally finish the game. Hajime one as usual, he gets some good rolls and pretty much gets all the ladders and dodges the snakes somehow. Fuyuhiko would usually yell that he cheated or something and Hajime would laugh, lean in and then say something like ‘are you sure you just don’t suck at this game?’ All while grinning, their faces would usually be really close, breaths mingling and Fuyuhiko would both love and hate it at the same time.

He wished that was happening now.

He wished he wasn’t a weirdo.

He wished he wasn’t a creep.

He wished he could be normal.

He wished he didn’t like Hajime like that.

He wished he didn’t think about Hajime being close to him.

He wished he didn’t want Hajime to be close to him.

He wished he didn’t like boys like that.

He wished he liked girls.

He wished, he wished, he wished, he wished.

 

Tears start welling up in his eyes again. Damn! When will he stop being a baby and crying? Hajime reaches over and wipes his tears and now he’s full on sobbing into Hajime’s hands. Great.

What a goddamn loser, bawling into his crushes hands and shaking. At least Hajime isn’t trying to start a conversation and also isn’t weirded out by him. Yet, at least. Hajime’s soothingly rubbing his back and softly humming, as he chokes up more sobs, each more painful than the last.

His eyes sting, his face is stained with his tears and his chest and throat burn. Full of shame and guilt he pushes himself away from Hajime after realising how close they were, both physically and emotionally. Hajime, like Peko, knows when he doesn’t want to talk. Like Peko, Hajime is also the only other person he’s cried like this too. If you’re not counting the Neo World Programme.

Fuyuhiko tries to talk but nothing comes out, he looks like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming truck. Frozen with fear.

Throat sore, every time he tries to speak, nothing comes out.

Shuffling closer slowly, Hajime hesitantly sits next to Fuyuhiko in silence for a while.

“Sometimes…” Hajime begins and pauses, thinking. “Sometimes, even though you don’t wanna talk about it, you, ah, unfortunately it’d probably be better to let it out? At least, that’s something I think… Chiaki… Would say.”

Fuyuhiko lifts his head up slightly from being tucked into his arms and does his best attempt at a laugh.

“Jeez. That’s the best you can do to comfort someone?”

“Shut up.” Hajime looks a little happier, probably because Fuyuhiko can still joke right now.

Letting out a big breathe he’s been holding, Fuyuhiko starts to say something then pauses. Hajime reassures him smiling at him and rubbing his back.

“It’s… hard to say but, uh, ah…” Tears are flowing down his face again. “Um. Hey… Hajime, have you ever, um, y’know…” He trails off and waves his hands around in no particular motion. 

Hajime looks at him confused but reassuring him to continue.

“Ha… Uh like, b-boys. Yeah.” He whips his head away from Hajime, ducking it into his shoulder.

“…Boys?”

“Forget it!” Suddenly standing up, making Hajime surprised and fall back a little. As Fuyuhiko starts for the door, Hajime quickly grabs his hand.

“Please… Let go, Hajime.”

He tugs a little, but not too much. Hajime doesn’t let go and Fuyuhiko gives in and sits down again. Legs and arms crossed.

He huffs.

“Have you ever thought that, maybe, just maybe that you might, like… I don’t know, not find girls interesting? Ah, no not like- Ugh! Like, romantically interesting? I-If… ah, ahh” Hajime’s eyes on him, even though they’re kind and understanding, he can’t stand it. He thinks he’s a freak. He _is_ a freak. A disgusting freak, tricking Hajime into being friends, inviting him to his room. He’s tricking him, a creep like him shouldn’t be here.

“Hey… Fuyuhiko… It’s-“

“No! Don’t say ‘its okay’ or any kind of dumb, wrong stuff. Don’t lie Hajime! I’m a freak! Look at me! I-I’m, I’m- I’m a disgusting freak, just fooling you! I’m wrong, nasty, disgusting, and a goddamn creepy freak!”

Both Fuyuhiko and Hajime are crying now, standing up in the middle of Hajime’s room, at night and they’re yelling. Hajime goes to hold Fuyuhiko’s hand and speak but he retreats, disbelief on his face.

“Why… Why are you not yelling at me, calling me weird? It’s weird, right? I’m a boy, but I’ve never thought of girls the way boys usually do, the way they’re _supposed_ to, right?” His voice cracks at the last word.

Hajime sighs. “Fuyuhiko it’s okay y’know? I used to think I was weird for liking guys too, but it’s really not. It’s actually really normal and natural, ‘cus like, if it wasn’t then why would most of us here like guys or girls or both?”

Now they’re both sitting on the floor again, next to each other but not looking at each other, and Hajime continues speaking.

“Like, I’m bi, and Chiaki was bi too. Komaeda’s gay. Oh Nekomaru too. Mikan, Sonia, and Gundham are bi, too. Ibuki, Mahiru, and Akane are lesbians. Everyone here’s pretty open about it, or well only the people who’ve told me are pretty open about it. I don’t know if anyone else is.” He pauses to glance at Fuyuhiko who is now just staring at the ground and slowly nodding his head, as if something’s just clicked in his head. “So… it’s pretty normal. You’re not a freak at all.”

Both of them are just sitting there, the only sound coming from them was Fuyuhiko’s now less panicky breaths.

“Thanks… Hajime…”

“Hey, it’s cool, I understand.”

Fuyuhiko, now pretty calmed down from his sobbing and yelling earlier, starts to struggle to keep his eyes open. His head keeps jolting up every time he realises he’s falling asleep.

“Hey, why don’t you get some rest, yeah? You gotta be pretty tired emotionally right?” Hajime smiles at him, his arms supporting him as he lifts him up.

“Yeah. Thanks again Hajime.”

**Author's Note:**

> sorry the endings pretty rushed but mayb i will write more ????? who knows


End file.
